I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
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People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.