I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
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If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.