It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
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If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.