Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
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COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I need this for my side hustle.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes