Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
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My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!