Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
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FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Wait a second…
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
All is fair in drunk and war.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.