Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
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A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*