Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
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I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess