guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
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I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
i meant to share this earlier
I’m literally crying