Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
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Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.