America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
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Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat