Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
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The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff