girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
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Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway