How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
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ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
okay run it by me one more time
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus