(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
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Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
incredible
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata