Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
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Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
This is my bus stop.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”