Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
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4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform