4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
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If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
some cats are just doing for fun!
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave