70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
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“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Nothing.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
girls literally only want one thing..
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
North and South
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Where is your GOD now????
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
work smarter, not harder