Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
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You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon