My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
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the clam before the storm
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”