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Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
The Assassin.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House