my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
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The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS