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My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.