If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
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Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
every raccoon you see is currently on parole