[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
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*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit