As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
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Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
who did the taste test?
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”