An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
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[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”