[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
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[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
This dude got his own movie?
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone