Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
You Might Also Like
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Golf would be better with landmines.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
If a snake ate a cake
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
sigh
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Spring of Deception
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
lmfao