Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
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replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?