I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
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Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”