Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
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I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Banking tips
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”