Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
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me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
choose your gary
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere