If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
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Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?