Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
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Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”