My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
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6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
What even happened today?
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Best mom ever 😂
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor