A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
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Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.