Its true…
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*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.