Dude just wanted a popsicle…
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Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.