I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
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ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
me, too, girl. me, too.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”