swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
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Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.