them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
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“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.