My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
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Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
sigh
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Just grow your own
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please