I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
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My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.