Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
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[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
S/o to @funTweeters .
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics