Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
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Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.