You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
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eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.