At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
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Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”