I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
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me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.